Beautiful Tumbleweeds?

June 5, 2023

I’m beginning to fall into a routine – one that leaves room for random moments of grief, and sometimes tears. I’ve come to realize that those memes and quotes about grief are targeted towards me. “Grief finds residency in our minds.” “Grief is the companion that is never welcome, but always present.” Memories are poor substitutes for the presence of the one you lost, but they form around you like comfortable clouds, trying to conceal the pain that is just beyond their beauty.

I am traveling this new road, secure in the knowledge that I am never alone. Even when I feel alone, I know that Ed is somewhere near, and of course God is providing me the strength to put one unsteady foot in front of the other. Amazing how life just goes on, never missing a beat. Time is never still. There is never complete silence. Birds keep chirping. The breeze keeps blowing. The earth keeps spinning. My heart keeps beating.

Find a hobby, they say. Go out with friends, stay busy, they say. I look at my widowed friends and wonder how they manage. Do they have survivor’s guilt? Do they tread softly around those who are critiquing from afar? Are they unsure about such things as cleaning out a closet, donating items that have no more use? Do they look around for approval from family or friends who perceive grief differently? The fact that there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to behave during mourning, does not mean that there is no judgement. This creeps into my psyche from time to time. Mostly when I think I’m moving in the right direction.

What a cliché – “life is a journey”. True enough, but with constant insecure bouts into the unknown. Endless instants along the way where road signs are blurred, or worse, non-existent. The best we can do is keep the blindfold on and trust the Master Navigator to guide us through the tumbleweeds coming our way. Tumbleweeds are not so bad. Have you ever seen one spray-painted gold and hung with ornaments? Then you’re not from West Texas! If you are, then you know we always learned to make something beautiful out of something not so pretty.

Life is good.